Between a Rock and a Hard Place
by Daeril Ullothwen
Summary: ...or, 'Between an Elf and Two Hobbits'. Aragorn is inflicted with a 'wound' he doesn't actually mind, but Merry and Pippin are very concerned for their new friend. It doesn't help the poor Ranger when the hobbits are joined by a highly amused Prince of Mirkwood.
1. The 'Wound'

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. Now, why do you look so surprised?

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It was a morning to behold. Rivendell was indeed blessed with great beauty and elegance. Flowers were delicately sprinkled on the ground, weaving nets of soft fragrance. Golden sunlight flowed from between intertwining boughs; the garden was a spectacle.

Aragorn and his betrothed had just set out from Rivendell for a leisurely stroll around the valley when two familiar figures came into view.

'So that's where the apples went,' remarked Aragorn as he spotted Merry and Pippin. The hobbits were perched on a bench, munching busily.

'Hello, Strider, good morning, Lady Arwen,' the hobbits greeted the man and the elleth who took seats beside them.

'Good morning, my friends,' replied Arwen. 'So, tell me, are you enjoying your stay in Rivendell?'

'Oh, yes,' Merry nodded, as Pippin gestured wildly through a mouthful of apple. 'It's so different, like a place from old tales, but sometimes it reminds me of the Shire, of home.'

'I'm glad,' Arwen smiled.

'Frodo seems to have recovered well hasn't he?' said Aragorn. 'Hobbits are certainly a tough folk.'

'Thank you, kind sir,' Pippin grinned.

'We've hardly talked with the old fellow,' said Merry. 'Gandalf insists that Frodo needs a good rest.'

'Just this morning, Gandalf turned us out of the treatment chambers for 'disturbing the peace' and 'bothering the injured.' Pippin said, a picture of wide-eyed innocence. 'We were just wondering if Frodo would care for an apple or two.'

As Aragorn and Arwen laughed, an Elf approached them.

'Excuse me, lords and lady,' he said, 'but the head cook requests Lady Arwen's suggestions for tonight's feast.'

'Of course,' Arwen said, standing up. 'Have a good day, young friends.'

'Wonder if they would like _my_ suggestions…' mused Pippin, as the Elves walked away.

'No kitchen in Middle-earth could live up to your suggestions, Pip,' snorted Merry. 'You have the appetite of… say, Strider, what's that on your neck?'

'My neck? A scar, perhaps,' Aragorn replied absently, gazing after the woman who had stolen his heart. Despite all the years, despite the distance, his heart always belonged to her, and Aragorn was glad, for he knew she would never break it…

'No, it's clearly a bite!' exclaimed Merry, making Aragorn start.

'Oh, maybe it was a Nazgul!' gasped Pippin. 'Are they poisonous? I'll be they are. You should show it to someone!'

Aragorn blinked. _Bite mark? _

'It's nothing… I… er… forget it…' he fumbled for words, going rather red.

'Don't be silly, Pippin,' chided Merry, ignoring Aragorn's stammers. 'The teeth seem quite small and even. It certainly wasn't a Nazgul. I think it was a wild animal. The skin isn't broken, but it still might get infected. Wild animal bites can be dangerous, Strider.'

The Man looked ready to flee. 'My friends, I tell you, it's nothing…'

'Aragorn has been bitten by a _what_?' came a voice behind them.

Aragorn groaned inwardly. _Oh no, not YOU…_

Legolas Thranduilion walked up to the trio with a worried look on his face.

'Let me see, mellon nin,' he said briskly. Before Aragorn could protest, long fingers pushed his head back, exposing his neck and also the mark.

The Elf made an odd sound that sounded suspiciously like a stifled chuckle. Aragorn shoved his Legolas's hands away and pulled up his collar, glaring.

'Well, what is it?' demanded the hobbits in unison.

'I'm not exactly sure,' started Legolas in a professional voice. 'It seems to be…

'Legolas, I'm an accomplished swordsman and I will not hesitate to use a weapon on an Elf!' Aragorn hissed.

'Why the hostility, my friend?' Legolas smiled sweetly. 'I was merely going to point out that this type of wounds is out of my area of expertise. I'm sure _Lord Elrond _can suggest a good salve for this.'

Aragorn calmly advised Legolas in elvish to engage in a certain odd activity.

'Is that physically possible?' inquired the Elf, shaking with mirth. The Man, on the other hand, was looking positively murderous.

'_Ahem_. Well? Is that bite dangerous or not?' Merry asked persistently.

'What bite?' came two new voices. Two horribly familiar voices.

Of course it had to be Elladan and Elrohir. As Elrond's twin sons looked questioningly at the four friends, Aragorn mentally thanked the Valar and the head cook of Rivendell for removing the culprit from the scene.

Pippin volunteered to explain.

'Something has bitten Strider! On the neck!'

Aragorn knew when it was time to take his leave. He remembered seeing the twins sharpen their long white knives just last night, and frankly, he did not see the point of an untimely death.

'My brothers, I assure you, it is nothing. Good day everyone.' The Ranger stood up and strode back towards the Homely Home, growling under his breath about naïve tweenagers from the Shire and sadistic praying mantises from Mirkwood.

'What in Arda…?' started Elladen.

'Trust me.' Legolas choked out between roars of laughter. 'You don't want to know.'

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A/N: Don't forget to leave a review! J


	2. Birds, Bees and Legolas

**A/N: Chapter 2 is up! Hope you enjoy. **

**Many many thanks to the beautiful people who reviewed Chapter 1! *hugs***

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Later that evening Legolas was leisurely lounging in one of the large halls of Rivendell. He was admiring a lovely tapestry when Merry and Pippin walked in with purposeful looks on their faces.

'Where are you off to, Masters Hobbit?' queried Legolas.

Pippin frowned at him. 'Well, you didn't take Strider's wound seriously…'

'…We are going to tell Master Elrond. He's a healer, he ought to know. 'Merry continued firmly.

'NO!' Legolas yelled, practically wrestling the hobbits into a chair. Of all the people… Mule-headed mortal he may be, but surely Aragorn doesn't deserve that. The hobbits were glaring. _Why, Valar, why me? _ Legolas groaned to himself.

Out loud he said, 'Very well. I suppose you have no idea at all what the mark on Aragorn's neck is?'

'Wild animal.' Pippin replied promptly.

_Well, wild is right._ Legolas thought suppressing a snort. 'If you must know...it was Lady Arwen.' _There. I said it. Gah. I'll never look at the Lady of Rivendell the same way again._

'Lady Arwen? That makes absolutely no sense at all.' Merry frowned.

_Sweet Elbereth. Am I supposed to give these young hobbits the First Talk? No wonder my father made my brother do it._

'Do you… do you… well… do you know of a certain…process?'

Blank looks.

'Between a man … um… a hobbit and a lady hobbit?' prompted the Elf. _They are tweenagers… they would know at this age…please…_

'Ah, of course. You mean courtship.' said Pippin.

Legolas felt like throwing his head back and howling. Breathing in deeply, he said, 'I mean a more… physical process.' _The first thing after this conversation, I'm taking the ship to Valinor._

'Oh.' 'Ah.' The hobbits went crimson. A wave of relief washed over the poor Elf. He cautiously sat on a chair beside the hobbits.

'Still…' wondered Merry. 'That doesn't explain the bite.'

_Doesn't it? Well, wait till you find yourself a hobbit-lass, you young pain in the… Calm down, Legolas!_

'Oh, I see.' said Pippin with an air of realization. 'It is an Elven ritual, isn't it? The biting?'

'Poor Strider.' muttered Merry, shaking his head.

_What?_

'I think you have misunderstood, my friends. It's no ritual.' _I need no ship, I can_ swim_ to Valinor… _'Uh…When two people are very much in love, the act can be most passionate, and that results in…bites and such.' _There. I explained. I stopped them from going to Lord Elrond. Please let it stop now…_

'Still, isn't it…' Pippin started.

But Legolas had sprung to his feet, his eyes blinking rapidly.

'Why don't you ask Bilbo?' His voice had risen a full octave. 'Or Glorfindel? I… I think I forgot to put out the fire in my room; I take your leave.'

With that, he turned and walked away shakily, breaking into a feverish sprint after the first few steps.

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Legolas staggered into the library, desperate to erase the scarring images of Aragorn and Arwen the conversation with the hobbits had burned in his mind. _A good book… that's what I need. A good book._

He pulled out the first book that caught his eye and slumped into a chair in a cosy corner, trying to focus on the words.

Suddenly the door of the library flew open. Aragorn and Arwen stumbled in, wrapped in each other's arms. Thanks to his preoccupied mind, the Ranger's keen eyes entirely missed the wretched Prince of Mirkwood who was trapped in the corner. Aragorn pinned Arwen to the wall with a low growl as she twisted her fingers into his hair, moaning.

We all reach a point in our lives when we just CANNOT TAKE ANY MORE. Legolas just reached his.

The couple's perfect moment was rudely interrupted by an ear-splitting crash of breaking glass. Not even bothering to undo the lock, Legolas made his exit through the window.

Forget about sharp shards of glass; this was a matter of sanity.

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**A/N: Leave a review, please! :)**


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